i need to make this decision and find ways to stick with it: i think the key is that i simply need to be less involved in things or involved in fewer things. Probably best to do the latter in the case of the queer community at least. Instead of dipping my toe in every “radical and non-oppressive”[sic] NON-accessible event/ group/ happening which predictably comes along, i need to pick out the very tiny number of those which are stating outright that they’re tangibly committed to accessibility (are actually doing it, struggling through it, making it happen, getting better at it, actually MOVING with it, which is really different than having it all figured out perfectly), and go with those.

This’ll greatly reduce the number of groups, events, individuals i’ll be involved with, but i think it’ll also hugely increase my energy, capacity and sense that something somewhere is changing and that we won’t always be in this frustrating circular place. It’ll maybe even make me better at what i do, create an environment where i’m more likely to keep at it, open up more space for others, it’ll for sure refuel my seriously depleted reserves, and significantly cut down on what i’m currently experiencing as an unexamined ableist backlash that gets none of us anywhere (least of all, i might add, more of my disabled friends and me connected to more community, which is the whole point, but i digress i suppose).

It means even less community to connect with, and as someone who already straddles this line very precariously, that absolutely fucking sucks, and i’m angry at myself and at parts of this community that that is where this sits. But i can’t keep (and it doesn’t make any sense to keep) this current level of involvement up. It’s making me real pissy at people i don’t want to be pissy at, and making some people real pissy at me, and we are going to lose even more connection than we have right now if something doesn’t shift here. i need to take responsibility for my part, power, and agency in this, and to be able to make a promise to myself to make a change and to stick with it, to not get back into the same old patterns out of necessity for making connection with queer community even when it so often doesn’t seem particularly, tangibly, invested in connecting to people who really matter to me.

And maybe saying it here will help. We shall see how this goes. Fellow disabled folks, if you have stories to tell, advice to offer, about how you’ve navigated this kind of thing, i’d love to hear them <3

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